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There is a saying in the African-American community that mothers raise their daughters and love their sons. It’s based on the idea that we are strict with our daughters and more nurturing with our sons. When confronted about these contrasting parenting techniques, we often double down and defend our actions. We argue that we want our daughters to grow up to be strong Black women and our sons to receive the love and support that the rest of the world denies them.
Growing up as the oldest and only girl of three, I saw first-hand examples of this gender disparity in my own home. The rules I lived by were vastly different from those of my two younger brothers. While I was doing laundry, dusting furniture, and helping with dinner, their chores consisted of cutting the grass every few weeks and waiting for a snowstorm to shovel our walkway. My parents expected me to get good grades and forced me to race home to make my 9:00 pm curfew, and told my brothers to try not to get arrested or get anyone pregnant while they stayed out until they felt like coming back.
Back then, I didn’t know if my parents’ decisions were deliberate, but I knew something wasn’t right. And I vowed to do things differently if I ever had children of my own. Today, as a mother of a boy and a girl, I have an opportunity for a do-over. My husband and I have made a conscious choice to ensure that the rules are consistent in our household and that there is no such thing as a boy or girl chore.
In a 2010 op-ed in Essence magazine, Sonja Norwood, mom of celebrity siblings Brandy and Ray J, rejects gender disparity in raising Black children. “I believe that today’s mothers should reassess how society has forced us to act and treat our children based on gender. The love we have for our children should unite rather than divide, and our parenting techniques must be based on each individual child’s personality, not their gender,” she writes.
Loving our daughters will arm them with the self-esteem they need in their personal and professional lives.
Black mothers face a unique set of challenges, trying to protect their children from the violence and discrimination that awaits them in the real world. But we can’t deny our responsibility to ensure our kids have the tools they need to succeed. Our boys and girls need to know that we are both their fiercest allies and their toughest critics. They should expect that we will open our arms to embrace them and point our fingers at them when they are wrong. Because if our children don’t receive guidance from our loving homes, they will get it from the unforgiving streets.
Loving our daughters will arm them with the self-esteem they need in their personal and professional lives. And raising our sons will make them responsible contributors to their communities. There will be plenty of times when I’ll have to dole out tough punishments to both of my children. But no matter what happens during the day, “I love you,” is the last thing they’ll hear from me every night.
Disclaimer: The views expressed here are those of the writer and do not reflect those of B/ACE Magazine.